For a long time, I followed this “journey to a better me” attitude. I did it online. I did it for accountability. I did it for my health. In fact, this has been going on in some form or another since 2011. It’s been six years and two pregnancies of updates. I’ve had a lot of cheerleaders along the way. It’s easy when you feel successful. When isn’t it easy? When you don’t feel things are working as they should.
I’ve been battling myself inside for a few months now… in reality probably a little bit longer than that. I’ve kept a bit quiet about it but as I’ve had to slow down to let my body heal; it’s been a little harder to bear. It’s hard being the cheerleader for other people, constantly trying to help steer them in the proper direction, talking them off the ledge per say when it comes to their body struggles yet in the background you’re encountering your own self-doubt. How do you move on from that? I’m not happy with my body right now. I’m not happy that regardless of how well I treat it, it doesn’t treat me well. I had to completely cut out all activity except for walking for 3 weeks. I’ve slowly been able to add in planks and some upper body work. In that time, I’ve lost faith. It’s so hard to try to keep yourself in check when you see the pounds just creeping back up on the scale just from lack of activity. It’s easy to say eat less, watch your portions… but if only that was the case.
Do you wonder why I come on here and tell you my frustration? I do it to help other women who are struggling with the same problem. We are constantly being told to eat less, watch your portions, exercise, and lose weight. I’m not going to go on some rant about how I want to look like a model or what my goals were as I hit forty). I want to tell you the honest truth. I want to let you know that I have days were I want to give up. I have a lot of days like that. I have days were I want to say fuck the world. Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to be the one that sits here with a smile on while I hate the way I look, the way my body functions. Why can’t I find a reason why my body doesn’t want to lose this baby weight? I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN AT ALL. Does that make me more sensitive to body comments? Absolutely. It makes me sensitive when my thinner friends tell me they feel fat. It makes me sensitive when I have to step on the scale during every doctor’s visit. It makes me feel worse when I see them try to adjust the scale and I just blurt out you have to move it over 200, hon. It’s going to be close to 240 today.
I’ve had a hard time letting go of having to slow down since this whole back/pelvis adjustment thing started. I’m happy that after a year and a half I’ve finally found a solution but I was mortified when I was told I had to stop all activity. I was petrified that I wouldn’t be able to control my weight. The past two years it’s been hard enough to maintain my weight let alone lose any. What would happen? Well, what I feared would happen did. I’ve put on more weight. Every ounce I managed to lose in the last 6 months was put on in 3 weeks and that’s hard to swallow. I sat in the bathtub the other night. It was supposed to be a place to relax. What mom doesn’t want some quiet time? I looked down and I had déjà vu. I felt like I did when I was last pregnant. That belly was starting to get bigger. I’m currently starting to get back into my workouts again like I used to, but not full force. I’m hoping that it will give me some relief but I’m not too optimistic. Again, I feel like my body may just allow me to maintain as opposed to lose weight. As I ramble on, I’m almost upset at myself for feeling this way. It’s not who I ever was. I’m just at a point where I’ve lost hope. What does MY future hold in terms of my health? If I can’t maintain my body weight, if I can’t lose my body weight, if my doctors can’t offer me answers, how in the world am I ever supposed to control my PCOS symptoms? Do I just accept life as it is and try to move on? I’ve questioned whether I give up on the process and move on. Do I try something else? Will I have success? Will it be failure? After much discussion from people I truly respect, I’m staying the course. Why? I do it because although that bitch of a scale hates me, I still see a thinner, face, less inflammation and great results in my bloodwork. It can’t be all that bad. I’ve accepted that this is my course for the future until we can get some answers.