There are days were I wonder why I write and share these things. It’s not because I’m brave. I certainly don’t want to feel vulnerable. I do it because it’s an outlet. It’s a way for me to get out the words that I can’t say. Well then why do I do it in a public forum? Maybe it’s the hope that I can help others. Maybe it’s so I feel like people can understand me better. I’ve been on this journey of self-growth for a while. I want to encourage others to do the same. With that note, I invite you to read as I babble on…
I often sit and wonder about my relationships with others. I don’t have a lot of close friends and those that I hold dear I hold an extreme loyalty to. I choose my friends by their actions and by their show of support. The people who I hold close are people I consider strong… ones that inspire me to want more out of my life. So I sit here and I reflect on my own life. I take myself seriously. I believe I’ve always had a serious personality. I’m someone who likes to laugh and have fun but I have feelings that go deep. I don’t have time for others who are “fake,” those who care only about appearances, or those who shut you out. I like to be real. I like to feel even if at times it’s too hard (insert immature laughter here because yes, I’m still a goofy adolescent at heart). With all that said, yes, I know that sometimes those deep feelings and care for others can result in harsh words on my part. I don’t hold back. I don’t attempt to be mean. I look for the truth in everything. I look for rational situations. I look at logic.
I tend to have a lot of people that like me. I’m told I’m quiet, which is true. It’s always been true. I’m an observer. I see a lot. I see sly expressions. I see who is uncomfortable. I see who is trying too hard to fit in. I see laughter, genuine talk, and guardedness. All of this comes with both advantages and disadvantages. I don’t always engage in conversation. My mind will wander from one group to another. I can easily slide in comfortably to any group situation but I’m not sure if I look like I’m at ease. In reality I’m not sure if I really care how I look. What I do long for though are the solid real conversations of my people. The ease at which we can talk about anything whether it be how horrid we feel about ourselves on any given day, how strong and yet scared we are when a new job begins, the frustrations of trying to be everything for everyone, or the way we all choose to hide our tears when life just becomes too much.
Ginny, here, is the one who will always be real whether you want to hear it or not. I’m honest but sometimes it comes out as harsh. I don’t mince my words and I will often doubt myself when those words come out of my mouth. I enjoy talking in person or on the phone. There is nothing like human contact. Texting has now become my norm with most people and although it’s not my choice method of communication, I have to say that it helps with my reactions. It’s a filter of sorts. I can type, then retype, then retype again before I send anything. Although I know my words are hard to take sometimes when I give advice, I know they could have been much worse. Unfortunately that is the cost of my friendship. Not many people can be real like that. They can mince words to make you feel like you aren’t wrong. Why don’t I? Because I want to help you grow.
I will continue on as I always do offering the same advice in the same manner because that is how I am built. If you are a part of my life, then you understand. You became a part of it for a reason. I’m here vulnerable with all my faults. I accept you with yours. Take me with mine. If you are my friend, I hold you dear, and I hope that you can return that harsh, unfiltered version of yourself to me because there are days where I need to hear it, too.
Be real. Be honest. Be you. Take pride in your inner being. Don’t conform for the sake of conforming.