Moving Forward

Moving Forward

It’s been an interesting week.  I’ve officially been diagnosed with postpartum anxiety.  Shockingly, I’m quite relieved to hear that.  I guess it helps to make me feel that I’m not going bat-shit crazy.  It hasn’t been an everyday thing for me. Thank God because I don’t know how I would function if it was.  I do pretty well a good chunk of the week and one or two days completely meltdown.

Curious as to what I’m feeling?  These are some symptoms I face on my bad days:

  • Thoughts race through my head.  My brain is on overload.  I can’t settle down or relax at all.

  • I always feel the need to be doing something but can’t quite focus on one thing.  I’m constantly shifting from cleaning the kitchen counter to picking up clothes…. just running from room to room with no set task or destination.

  • I’m constantly worried… about everything… at every minute, every second.  I’m basically playing a game of chess in my mind where I’m 43 steps ahead of myself.  “if this doesn’t happen at this specific time, what will it lead to?”

  • I have physical symptoms like shakiness and nausea. I’ve experienced panic attacks in the shower on more than one occasion.

  • There is no question that I am restless and on edge.

  • I am fully aware that something is wrong.  In the beginning I wasn’t sure that it was anxiety or something else.  I just knew that I was not right at all.  I was convinced that I was going crazy.

  • Before I reached out to my doctor I was convinced that that this was my new reality.  I lost the “old me” somewhere along the way and for the life of me couldn’t find it at all.

So all the while this is going on and I’m sitting here unable to function normally.  Wondering how I’m failing as a mother.  What do my older children think?  It’s been a rather hard month for me.  Little things sneak in though to remind me of what good can happen.

About a month ago I was fortunate to find a great PCOS support group on Facebook called PCOS Positivity.  I found it randomly through an amazing woman’s instagram account (Shout out to Shelby!). It’s a group with typical questions and answers but it also throws random positive ideas out there.  One of them being what’s your #somethingamazing that happened today.  It really made me reflect on the day.  It was something I positively needed to hear this weekend after two very shaky awful days.  My #somethingamazing put a smile on my face and I couldn’t think of anything better than to share it with everyone else.

Here it is:

I have 3 amazing kids and I appreciate every moment with them even when they drive me batshit crazy. How can I not? They were a damn struggle to get. They were my gifts. It’s no secret that I’ve been dealing with major anxiety since baby 3 arrived in November. I try my best to put my kids first. I always have. Lately I can’t and like every good mom, sometimes I feel like a failure. I can’t hear the baby cry, my two yr old whine or sometimes even my 7 year old just ask me questions. I’ve felt like I’m just a giant hot mess who sometimes wants to hide in the other room. I did recognize the problem and am working with my doctor and family to get myself back together . I felt like a strong woman before and I will get there again. It’s all new territory.

 

My #somethingamazing happened a few times this week. You see, my outlet is my exercise. It always was. I hope it will always be. It’s the one selfish thing I keep for myself. This Momma bear who feels like she’s failing her kids lately realized that she has inadvertently and indirectly taught them something along the way. After every workout they pickup my gear and try to use it. The do the same stretches and exercises I do. My #somethingamazing? I taught my kids that momma is strong even when she doesnt think so. They want to be just like me and that makes me extremely proud. They’re helping me while I help them, too.

Why am I sharing this?  Well, for one, it’s helping me to move forward… to remind me that I am still who I was before.  I may not be there 100% but I’m slowing moving in that direction.  Why else share it?  I feel that sometimes we all need to find our #somethingamazing because life is hard.  It’s easy to forget and skip over these precious moments.  Thank you Shelby for this challenge.  It was a game changer for me.

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